


Unlucky Extraordinaire: Kakashi Hatake!

by thesaintraphael



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, BAMF Hatake Kakashi, Dimension Travel, Fourth Shinobi War, Hatake Kakashi Has Issues, Hatake Kakashi is Bad at Feelings, Hatake Kakashi is a Little Shit, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre- Fourth Shinobi War, Tags May Change, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:21:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29599605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaintraphael/pseuds/thesaintraphael
Summary: With luck like Hatake Kakashi's, it's truly a miracle he's made it this far.So when Kakashi winds up in an alternate universe where he has everything he could ever want, all of his deceased loved ones are alive and waiting for him, he naturally doesn't trust it.Where are the psychotic trees, and the village toppling, S-rank organizations? Kakashi plans on finding out what the universe has prepared for him before it blindsides him, or lures him into complacency.Join the Universe's Bitch as he navigates peacetime, people that just want the best for him, and, naturally, bloodthirsty plants.
Relationships: Dai-nana-han | Team 7 & Hatake Kakashi, Hatake Kakashi & Jiraiya, Hatake Kakashi & Maito Gai | Might Guy, Hatake Kakashi & Mitarashi Anko, Hatake Kakashi & Namikaze Minato, Hatake Kakashi & Nohara Rin, Hatake Kakashi & Nohara Rin & Uchiha Obito, Hatake Kakashi & Orochimaru, Hatake Kakashi & Sarutobi Asuma, Hatake Kakashi & Tsunade, Hatake Kakashi & Uchiha Obito, Hatake Kakashi & Yuuhi Kurenai
Comments: 33
Kudos: 136





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyyy y’all!  
> I know I should be working on Legacy right now, the cliffhanger must be killing you, but this wouldn’t leave me alone so here I am haha. There will be an update soon though, so keep your eyes open. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out my other story, you won’t regret it! Well you might, but that’s not my problem. Ciao!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoohoo! They're back to fuck up the already fucked up Naruto timeline!  
> Yeah. I have a personal vendetta against the canon timeline, so if something doesn't add up correctly concerning ages or certain event, please disregard and roll with the punches for my sake. It'll be easier for both of us.  
> The first chapters of all my stories tend be shorter like pseudo-prologues, so this won't be the typical chapter length if I continue the story.  
> Onto the magic!

Kakashi is covered in the gelatinous liquid of decimated White Zetsu, shaking in war torn thrill, with the Executioner's Blade up over his shoulder in preparation to swing, when Tobi’s eye locks onto him, and he’s thrust into another dimension.

He lands in the main street of Konoha at about 8pm, and comes face to face with the Yondaime Hokage, blade poised to strike. Kakashi peers closer to the startled blue eyes, swings the blade down so it’s planted in the street and blinks, sharingan bleeding profusely.

“What the fuck.”

That seemed to be the general consensus, as even Minato’s ANBU guard seemed to hesitate.

And how _unbecoming_ of ANBU? Especially guards to the _Hokage_. If Kakashi was their captain, he'd have their heads. After he dealt with the opponent first of course.

Well, to their credit, he does make a pretty strange sight in the middle of an otherwise peaceful Konoha. 

“S-Sakumo? Is that you?” Instead of answering Jiraiya’s very valid question, Kakashi stared at the shinobi in the street.

“Aren't half of you supposed to be Orochimaru’s zombies? Where’s the battlefield, and that good-for-nothing Uchiha basta- wait. Am I dead?” Minato’s guard seemed to snap out of their stupor at the word _dead_ , and surrounded Kakashi, who still had his hand on the Executioner’s Blade.

“This is not the warm welcome I was hoping for into the Pure Lands. Must my notorious bad luck follow me into death?” The Hatake utters a long-suffering sigh, and passerby shinobi gawk at the man bold enough to sigh directly into the Hokage’s face, while his guards surround him.

“This can’t be the Infinite Tsukuyomi because I wouldn't be this aware-”

Kakashi is cut off by the shocked gasps of his two former teammates, who are now apparently all grown up, and out for a walk on the town. He spins around faster than the Hokage himself, and places the Executioner's Blade at Obito’s neck.

The ANBU guard and everyone else freeze at his speed and the grace at which he swings the hulking sword around. Obito freezes because Zabuza’s legendary blade is poised at his neck.

“Is someone gonna explain what’s going on? I’m getting real sick of-” Kakashi is interrupted _again,_ when his war honed instinct tingles in the back of his mind.

His sense of danger was correct, because in the next instant, one of Zetsu’s weird vines shot from the ground and wrapped itself around where he was just standing.

“Oh so you’re here with me too? Tell me Zetsu, where the hell did Tobi send us? **(1)** " Kakashi charges his massive blade with white chakra and the plant chuckles.

It’s not a nice sound, and neither is the smile on the White Zetsu's face. "I think _Uchiha-sama_ was attempting to send us somewhere else yes yes. We're out of time and space Hatake, yes yes."

"So it would seem." Kakashi mumbles to himself as he inspects his clothing that looks about one or two sizes to large on his wiry frame.

"You wouldn't happen to be of more use would you?" The plant frowns at the silverette who nods to himself.

"I thought as much."

Before anyone can blink, or do anything really, Kakashi is covered in a new layer of ichorous goop.

The last Hatake lets out a whoop, and shakes himself like a dog, bloodthirsty smile strung across his masked features.

“I’m guessing this weird alternate Konoha also has a T&I correct?” The question is a complete non-sequitur, and the confusion of the small crowd is evident in furrowed eyebrows and fluxing chakra signatures. 

There’s a disbelieving nod from the Yondaime, and Kakashi nods in understanding, before leaning in far enough to drip goop all of Minato’s robe.

“Do you think Hirashin works cross dimensionally, _sensei?”_ **(2)** There’s a startled flash of recognition across the blonde’s face, but before Kakashi can properly enjoy it, he’s teleported himself to T&I, and is face to face with a lounging Mitarashi Anko, Yamanaka Inoichi, and a tense looking Morino Ibiki who’s preparing a pot of coffee.

Kakashi smiles and plants the Executioner's Blade into the ground for the third time today.

The silverette holds his arms out invitingly, and there are chakra suppressing cuffs slapped onto his wrists in two seconds flat.

“Wow, was that a record? It feels like it was a record to me!” Kakashi opens his mouth, no doubt to continue to be an absolute _menace_ , but he’s knocked out cold before he can continue. His last thought before the darkness takes him is a fleeting-

_Well I really shouldn’t’ve pushed my already awful luck huh._

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) At this point, Kakashi doesn't know it’s Obito behind the mask 
> 
> (2) I’m in love with the idea that Kakashi learns Hiraishin as a way to continue his sensei’s legacy, and it gives him an advantage on the battlefield that would be crucial to decimating Zetsu’s forces/clones. It also gives me a way to enhance his mystique. Plus, Kakashi being ridiculously fast and more important to the war effort? Yes please.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you ever think at any point in this fic that anything about Kakashi's character is twisted to fit my ideals, that's because it is. This is an extremely self-serving piece of work, and at no point will I deny it. I am selfish, and Kakashi's looks will be bent to my whims.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd as always.  
> Naruto doesn't belong to me, all credit to Kishimoto.

The truth about the face under Kakashi’s mask was something that many already knew. 

When someone has been a ninja as long as Kakashi has, accidents happen, especially to someone who takes as many missions as he does, not to mention his blatantly suicidal recklessness. 

Most of the time, people only get a glance under the legendary piece of cloth in life threatening scenarios, and even then it’s exceedingly rare to happen.

The number 1 reason Kakashi actually hates hospitals is because of how many people get to see his face there.

When the Copy-nin shows up on Konha’s hospital doorstep, one foot in the grave, holding his entrails in with sputtering medical nin-jutsu, it’s the 20-something nursing chicks who get to peel of his mask and gawk at his attractive visage _before_ doing CPR. They always come back to his hospital room and try to sneak another peak, and there are only so many nip-slips and panty-shots one can endure before wanting to turn tail and defect. Kakashi may be a self proclaimed pervert, but in all honesty, the books are more about getting a reaction and deterring unwanted attention than they are about his appreciation for the smut. Plus, Jiraiya's plotlines are far too underappreciated for the level of genius that goes into orchestrating them. **(1)**

Besides the infatuated hospital staff, there’s unfortunately another category of people that frequently see under his mask; the enemy/missing-nin that manage to capture and interrogate him.

The thing that separates the nurses and doctors who just want the best for the copy-nin from enemies who remove his mask as an intimidation tactic during torture _isn’t_ the parties intent, it’s actually his loyalty ties to the Leaf. 

Kakashi is allowed to seek revenge and kill the enemy-nin so long as he doesn't cause an international incident, (only one so far,) but on Leaf shinobi and civilian nurses? The best he can manage are shaky briberies and phone bills so large that his service provider offers him a discount out of sympathy.

It was the set of principles that Obito had bestowed upon him before his rather untimely death that made the predicament the copy-nin was currently trapped in particularly frustrating. Actually, they made most of his life extremely difficult, and Kakashi often thought about forgetting his one-time friend's words completely; however, he was blessed with the retched curse of photographic memory and the grief of a widowed mother.

Tied up in Konoha’s basement, mask off, sharingan covered, and thoroughly doused in cold water, Kakashi was facing a nasty dispute between his senses of privacy and loyalty. Although this isn’t his Konoha per say, should he continue to stay loyal to his village, even if his village is treating him like a missing-nin or unranked threat? Or should Kakashi turn around and act like the insane man most already regard him as? This technically isn’t even his village, these aren’t actually the people he knows.

The loss of his mask in the face of his comrades, interdimensional difference or otherwise, was something that always managed to throw him off, and was the very thing hindering his decision making process right now. Looking back, Kakashi isn’t 100% sure what exactly he thought was going to happen when he showed up to T&I _willingly_ after publicly attacking the _Hokage_ , but it was definitely a grave miscalculation on his part.

Hopefully someone will be willing to hear him out, he did come to T&I of his own accord after all, this is the first time that’s ever happened in Konoha’s history as far as he’s concerned.

Other than the absence of his one true companion, the Hatake can honestly say he looks forward to what Ibiki has instore for him. **(2)** Just last week Kakashi had been subjected to the wrath of both Sakura _and_ Tsunade when he had to drag himself to the healers tent on a fractured ankle after just one day of combat, so really there isn’t much the interrogator can do to top that terrifying experience.

It’s pure spite and a mean hand that pulls him out of the detached state he was residing in.

Kakashi spat out the iron-tasting substance from his mouth, cursing his sharp canines and Ibiki’s admittedly good bitch-slap.

“Come on Ibiki-senpaiiii! Why must you be so mean to me! Look at my hitai-ate, I’m on your side, we’re both Leaf shinobi!” Kakashi’s voice took on a whiney nature he blatantly stole from Tobi. As much as Kakashi hates the guy, he can’t deny it’s an incredibly fun alternate to use, evidenced by the distant throaty noise coming from the other side of the glass he has no doubt is Anko’s laughter. Ibiki remains relatively unphased by his antics, but based on the dangerous upwards tick of the interrogators eyebrow, Kakashi's close to entering a grey zone.

“If you’re a Leaf-nin, why does your hitai-ate simply say ‘shinobi’ on it? Why would you attack the Hokage if you were from Konoha?”

Kakashi swore in frustration. He’d forgotten about the Allied Shinobi Forces hitai-ate he was wearing.

“Ibiki-senpai, this is just a big misunderstanding, we can work through this like civilized individuals right?”

The Morino loomed over Kakashi, his eyes shaded by his hitai-ate cap.

“Who are you, and why are you disrespecting a deceased Konoha-nin with your ridiculous antics?” Kakashi sighed, they had gone over this already.

It was clear they thought he was impersonating his father, Sakumo Hatake, at first, and when he had told them he was Kakashi, he was informed that his counterpart in this dimension was dead. The Hatake didn’t grieve much, but being told your death would save all your other comrades in the future can put a downer on one's mood. Regardless of renewed guilt, he compartmentalized and persevered, as always.

“Don’t you have more interesting questions to ask me Ibiki-senpai? We’ve already gone over this after all, it’s getting repetitive.” Kakashi leered at the interrogator, well aware how his personality fluctuations were making it hard for Ibiki to get a read on him.

“Here I’ve got a couple in case you need some help. Why do you have the Executioner’s Blade Kashi-kun? Where did you come from Kashi-kun? What happened to you Kashi-kun? Would you like to see the Hokage Kashi-kun?”

With the way Ibiki’s eyebrow was twitching, one would think Kakashi might be getting on his nerves. Inconceivable! **(3)** Although to looked like Kakashi was getting his way, something seemed to click in his head and Ibiki let out a chilling laugh. “Do you _really_ want see the Hokage, ‘Kakashi’? I know I sure wouldn’t. Minato-sama doesn’t take kindly to enemy-nin, much less anyone desecrating the memory of his deceased pupil. I can send word for him if you’d like, but be warned, he might just kill you on the spot.”

Kakashi grimaced, remembering how Minato-sensei had defended Obito’s honor during the trial Kakashi went through with the Uchiha after Kannabi Bridge. He wouldn’t put it past the blonde to do the same for himself, even if Kakashi didn’t deserve it.

The Hatake hung his head, recognizing defeat when he saw it. Ibiki caught the movement for what it was, and smirked darkly. “Hm. Finally coming to our senses are we? Good, I’m glad to see it.”

The interrogator twisted towards the door, black trench coat flowing around him. When he grabbed the door handle, Kakashi’s head shot up, a renewed vigor dancing in his eyes.

“Take a DNA test, and match it to the sample of Kakashi’s that should be in records. When it comes up negative, I’ll shut up.” There's a fiery determination sparking in his eyes, and Ibiki wants to run his head through a wall. The Morino turns back to the door and opens it in a dramatic flourish. Kakashi leans to the edge of his seat, anticipation getting the better of him. “No.” The door bangs shut, and Kakashi sneezes while dust infiltrates his lungs. 

“Well fuck.” 

* * *

Kakashi’s next few weeks are spent in Konoha's basement, pissing off anyone he comes in contact with, or badgering them for a DNA test.

If the behaviors of his various visitors serve to be of any value, Kakashi suspects the test has already been ordered, and now the T&I department is just waiting on the results. For now, the only thing the copy-nin can do is hope that his DNA makeup is the same cross-dimensionally. Now that he thinks about it, Kakashi doesn’t have a back-up plan, with that thought, the blood-stained smile on his face falls flat and the interrogator working with him gives a nervous chuckle. A safeguard would be helpful, considering the position he’s in.

It’s a day later and all the copy-nin has so far is to convince the lovely Ibiki-senpai to take off the chakra suppressor eyepatch, and Kamui his dumbass outta there.

So yeah, things are looking a bit grey. It’s about 5 or six in the afternoon (at least that’s what Kakashi thinks, he hasn’t been served the drugged slop they call dinner yet,) when Kakashi gets a visitor.

When he feels the pulsing warmth of his teacher's chakra, he tenses.

Realistically, Kakashi should be _ecstatic_. Thrust into a war-less world, his usually-masked face about 10x less stress lined, not to mention _no one is dead._

Everyone he’d spent years mourning over, constantly entrenched in his grief, all the dead he’s unable to move on from, they’re here, alive and breathing. Yet, Kakashi is not as young as his current body would suggest. (He’d compartmentalized that fact fairly quickly.) His mind is years ahead of whatever age this Kakashi is.

Kakashi’s years of war hardened cynicism has built him walls that’re thicker than Naruto’s skull, and it seems even the miraculous appearance of all his heart's desires won’t break the impenetrable fortress. Chibi Kakashi would feel extremely proud if he could see himself now, it seems he has finally achieved the perfect ninja status he's worked so hard for; Kakashi of the present is simply resigned to his unbelievable luck.

Three sharp knocks on his cell door snap him out of his reverie, and the silverette sighs quietly enough so his visitors don’t hear him. A gruff voice sounds from the other side. “Were coming in.” Ibiki’s voice sounds less harsh than usual. Huh. “Ibiki-senpai! I’m indecent!” Kakashi squeals, because even though that’s the Hokage waiting for him out there, Kakashi respects no one.

The copy-nin would’ve pulled a Sakumo Hatake _years_ ago if he took the shit-storm that is his life too seriously. Minato makes a noise that resembles a dying cat and Ibiki’s silence speaks of his prolonged exposure to Kakashi’s antics.

When the door was pushed open, Kakashi had to shield his face from the light that illuminated his cell.

Minato stood in the doorway, unmoving; he’s staring at Kakashi with no small amount of disbelief, but the mourning, haunted look in his old teacher's gaze unnerves the silverette, after all, it's the same one he see's when he looks in the mirror. As much as Minato's piercing stare troubles Kakashi, it also sends a rush of relief through him.

So they did the DNA test huh?

While Kakashi would love to say his luck is turning around, he can see the glint in Minato’s eye and thinks about all the explaining and reunions he’s going to have to go through. Kakashi thinks back to his chuunin days and Obito’s face-swallowing tears. The last Hatake shudders, trepidation suddenly making its appearance.

Instead of allowing Kakashi more time for rumination on the unwelcome thoughts that have just entered his mind, Minato scoops the much taller man into a bone-crushing hug. There are tears seeping into his shirt, and, Kakashi is shocked to find, there are some streaming down his own face.

The Hatake clears his throat and makes a half hearted attempt to shrug the Hokage that’s clinging to his shoulders off him, but the man tightens his grip. With his superior senses, Kakashi can smell the years of built up heartbreak, grief, and sorrow practically wafting off the man. It’s the same components that make up his own scent, if you can manage to sniff past the overwhelming scent of sarcasm and bitterness.

It’s overwhelming, the amount of care being directed at him right now. Even Ibiki’s eyes have softened at the sight, and Inochi is practically cooing behind him. Kakashi levels a truly fearsome glare at the two interrogators, to which Ibiki’s eyes harden back up, but he shoots a sadistic smile right back at Kakashi; Inochi looks like he’s about to _squeal_. Kakashi goes limp in an attempt to get the leech of a man to let go of him but to no avail. Kakashi grits his teeth, and attempts to bear it.

It isn’t working. Then an idea strikes, and it’ll no doubt get Minato to let go.

There’s an evil glint in his eye, he opens his mouth- and the building explodes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) I honestly think the Icha Icha books are more about diverting and manipulating the unwanted attention he undoubtedly get from his notoriety as the copy-nin into something he can control. After all, being seen as a pervert is much better than being seen as a friend-killer, head of a dead clan, disgraced, bastard son right?
> 
> (2) I like to think that after all he has lost, Kakashi has an extremely hard time trusting people, and can't admit when he does trust someone. As such, when he refers to 'his only true and unwavering companions' or any variation thereof throughout this fic, he's referring to either his mask or his summons, that are, realistically, the only things that have yet to abandon him. It's mostly him being dramatic + the little bit of angst I can't go two seconds w/out writing, comedy or not.
> 
> (3) :D

**Author's Note:**

> I believe Kakashi is a genius through and through. Therefore, there will be headcannons in all of my writing that give him space to be one freely, and not condemn him to the role of “Lazy Sensei to Literal Gods.” The man graduated at 6yrs old! He knows 1 thousand jutsu for god's sake! Let him use them, Kishimoto! So yeah, all hc’s I use that make him seem more overpowered, can be attributed to my umbrella head-cannon that he never stopped being a genius, and will continue to grow as such.  
> Yes there will be wolf summons in this story too, as much as I love his canon dogs. I will go down with that headcannon and we can fight about it, I’ll show no mercy at all.  
> I have a story in my drafts that’s similar to this one, but it’s nowhere near publishing quality yet, so I’m indulging myself with this. Please let me know what you think in the comments, I always love to hear feedback!  
> Till next time, Raphael.  
> 


End file.
